“If I’m not challenging myself to do something I’m terrified of I’m not really growing.” I heard myself say it, but it sounded alien coming from the mouth of a guy who has always resisted change and gets anxious around unknowns. Still, here I am on the brink of a new adventure because I believe it is where God is calling me next. The nurses who were asking about my upcoming assignment needed an explanation for my look of trepidation while I told them what should be good news: my application to the Emergency Department was accepted, and I start the end of February.

If I’m not challenging myself to do something I’m terrified of I’m not really growing.

Unfortunately, the voices near me at work seem to echo the doubts in my head: “Are you sure you’re ready for this?” “What makes you think you can handle the pace of the E.D?” and, “How will you manage school and a new endeavor like this?”

Jesus’ exclamation, “Get behind me, Satan,” (Matthew 16:23) has never made so much sense. It’s easy to be fearful given the lions’ den I’m preparing to enter. Still, I know that God has a way of making me ready just in the nick of time, and giving me only this day my daily bread.

I will tell you the behind the scenes story.

I was tired of my attempts to coordinate a shadow shift on the E.D. not working out, and I was getting advice from E.D. nurses not to wait until I thought I was ready because no one ever is. Furthermore, waiting until I was an experienced enough medical-surgical nurse was futile because nursing on a med-surg unit and in the E.D. are two vastly different things. I should just apply, I was told. I wasn’t convinced, so I put it to God.

I was praying that God would give me another clear sign, a Gideon’s fleece like He has so many times before. I prayed specifically about the decision of whether or not to apply for this terrifying position, even before I was technically eligible, having only worked in the med-surg unit for just under the required twelve months. There was no fatherly voice, speedy white car, or extra large bumper sticker this time, but there was a nagging echo in my ear like an annoying tune you can’t get rid of. At first it was like nonsense, but then I remembered what the syllables were and their significance: Urim and Thummim. It kept repeating in my head. Urim and Thummim. They were the sacred lots used by the ancient high priest to determine the will of God. Urim and Thummim. I didn’t have sacred lots, but I am a priest in the order of Melchizedek by the blood of Jesus Christ who loves me and gave His life for me. So I grabbed a coin, rebuked the mammon for which it was intended, blessed it, and called on the God of Heaven’s armies to be sovereign even over the laws of physics and the nature of chance to show me what to do. With prayer and a coin-toss, my Urim came up heads. An hour later, I pressed “submit” on my electronic application.

When we let Him, God will stretch us to our limits, then show us new limits and push us to those.

The interview several weeks later went… How shall I say? … medium to medium well. I did not sparkle, though I did smile with what, in retrospect, must have looked like a cocky grin. One of the team members in the two-nurse second interview even left in the process, saying I had asked the same question repeatedly and she had things to do. I was certainly not given a sense that I had the favor of man this day. After the interviews were over, I was left to wait in a small room that began to feel like a holding cell before I was retrieved for my tour of the E.D. and that’s when things got really terrifying. This place was crawling with people, all going different ways, all needing different things. I saw no organization to it, and am sure I was lost at several points in the tour. The manager was rattling off statistics about how this is the 13th busiest E.D. in the nation and how we boast some of the best response times for heart attack and stroke, and he made it clear I better never mess that up. When he finished the very brief tour, he said, “Well, what do you think?” I was dumbstruck. What I was really thinking was, “What have I got myself into?” and “Where’s the exit?” but what I said was, “It’s a lot!” He agreed and showed me out, saying something about there being other interviews and a recruiter would be in touch regarding their decision. On the way home, my prayers changed from, “Help this go well,” to, “Save me from this if I’m not supposed to be here!”

I didn’t mention the application to many people for obvious reasons. I didn’t want to get my hopes and fears up and didn’t want anyone else to either. I began rereading Rich Stearns’ books Unfinished and The Hole in Our Gospel, each of which had a significant role in spurring Cindy and me along in our decision to prepare for missions. I figure if I ever needed a booster shot of mission passion it was now. Sure enough, Rich laid out one scripture verse after another reminding me to “take up my cross and follow” Christ, and that we are promised many hardships along with our hundred-fold blessings when we give up our comforts. I was reminded that no one was promised an easy time. In fact quite the opposite. When we let Him, God will stretch us to our limits, then show us new limits and push us to those. We are constantly becoming new creatures, and metamorphosis hurts, but if we are to follow Christ’s example, we have to be willing to give up every comfort, every assurance, every known, and step onto the turbulent waters. Sink, swim, or tread upon the waves, God’s got each one of us by the hand.

Sink, swim, or tread upon the waves, God’s got each one of us by the hand.

That's what I had to remind myself on Monday, January 14th, when I dragged myself out of an all-day sleep to get ready for a night shift and found I had a message from the recruiter asking me to please call her at my earliest convenience. Note to self: next time you hear that, at least wake up fully first. I called her and listened to her offer me the job. She seemed excited to share such joyous news, but my heart was in my throat while I was still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. When she asked whether I wanted to accept, I guess I didn’t answer with the ready eagerness she had anticipated, because her vocal countenance dropped like a brick. “Would you like time to think about it?” she prompted. “No, I’m committed to this. I’ll be honest, it’s terrifying, but I’m committed, so let’s do this.”

What adventure God has for me, let it begin as He determines.

Now you know the rest of the story, and you have peered into the mind of a scared but willing servant. What adventure God has for me, let it begin as He determines. Prayer warriors, please cover me. I'm going into hostile territory, and I'm doing so in between online classes for my baccalaureate degree.